A Dash of Satire: Fake Letter-To-The-Editor

!!!READERS NOTE!!! This was written for a satire assignment for Uni, where I decided to write a fake letter to the editor portraying an over-the-top, racist, homophobic, evangelical nitwit. Please do not read this thinking these are my personal views. If you do then I’m obviously RUBBISH at satire! Ta 🙂

Dear Sir,

This morning as I sat down to my usual bacon and eggs, I found myself choking on my Vegemite-encrusted toast with a sputter of egg yolk and Ketchup as I read the national headlines: Tasmanian Premier Lara Giddings has announced that her state would legislate it’s own marriage laws that would enable Tasmania to become the first state in Australia to allow gay marriage. I am nauseated and shocked to hear such slandering on good, decent society.

I am writing this letter as a representative of the core family values of Australia, and frankly, I think that this impertinent woman should be ashamed of herself, and be asked to resign her position as Premier of Tasmania post-haste. Let me start off by first stating that I have no issue with homosexual coupling as it currently stands: they are free to do as they please, AWAY from the public eye and AWAY from the innocence of our children.

That being said, I feel that I am a compassionate and understanding individual, so I can certainly try to recognize the desire of love, as it takes on many forms. However, I do not understand why any upstanding male citizen would prefer to engage in sexual activities with a fellow man, rather than the pureness of a woman – but I suppose each individual has differing tastes.

Australia has already modernized its moral oversight by making same-sex coupling legal, so I cannot fathom why they should now want to have the same marital rights as us normal folk? I, and the majority of good Australians who have been rightly raised with decent, Christian values, believe that the sanctity of marriage under the eyes of God should be kept between a man and a woman. God created Adam and Eve, NOT Adam and Steve! Procreation and the survival of our species calls for the uniting love demonstrated in marriage, between a man and a woman. Coupling men – to simply put it – cannot naturally conceive a child, so why should they want to get married? The idea is preposterous!

If we were to allow this sort of outright blasphemy to continue, then I can only begin to ponder over what type of heathen trifling’s will prosper under these “modern” laws. We currently have pitiful rallies in our quiet, suburban streets of supporters of gay marriage asserting their “basic human rights”, but I suggest that with this kind of indecent uprising, couples of incest, paedophilia and bestiality will soon be marching down our streets calling for THEIR “basic human rights!” I can imagine that any perverted old man would JUMP at the chance to marry a small child, all under the guise that what they have is the same kind of love as normal couples!

Very soon, every man and his dog will be wanting to get married, and I say that quite literally! Is this what the world is coming to? As soon as we start to let our traditional values disintegrate into the past, all our national, Australian traits will soon be diminished. You can say goodbye to our national pride, our upstanding heritage, our kangaroos and our Mrs Macs!

As soon as we let our moral values die under these modern terms, every Punjab, Mohammed, Hijab and Osama will soon infiltrate OUR country with THEIR so-called “values”, and I’m certain that the politically correct, do-gooders of this embarrassing generation will stand up and fight for them!

You may think that my views are somewhat radical, but I am not without merit to stand by them and speak out when I can see my beloved country going to the dogs. It whole-heartedly saddens me when can I see my sun-burnt country get taken over by this kind of madness. Am I the only one with any sense of decency anymore? I’m starting to think that I am!

My fellow Australians: our sacred country has already been corrupted with the intrusion of a FEMALE ATHEIST as our Prime Minister! Will you stand back and idly watch as our country gets overtaken by more madness, more moral corruption and more atrocities? I for one will NOT!

Join me, as part of the honourable citizens of Australia, as we stand up for the safety of our children, our individual morality under the sovereignty of God, and OUR basic human rights! I will no longer stand for this insanity!!!

The question is; will you?

Yours sincerely,


Patriotic Wallaby

August 2012


Filed under Opinion Pieces.

2 responses to “A Dash of Satire: Fake Letter-To-The-Editor

  1. Lauren Windsor

    SO GOOD haha 🙂 hope it went well as your assignment!

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