My First Vibrator a.k.a. La Petite Mort

Masturbation. I do it. You do it. We all do it. If you say that you don’t then you’re probably lying. If you genuinely don’t then I seriously wonder how you function in normal society, because that’s all it really is; it’s a normal thing that women dare not speak about. It’s accepted that men wank prolifically, sometimes even twice (or more) a day, but the sheer thought of women indulging in such a decadent practise is simply unheard of. We don’t even have a decent list of common slang used to describe the pleasure; women certainly don’t do the five-knuckle shuffle, we don’t crown the king, flog the log, slap the salami nor do we beat the stick. An inventory of terminology from craigslist.org shows that women sometimes partake in fanning the fur or nulling the void, or we can get a stinky pinky by buffing the weasel, polishing the pearl, or my personal favourite: Genital Stimulation via Phalangetic Motion – how erotic.

Let me set the record straight: women masturbate. Your tutors, your sisters and even your mum – they all do it. So why do we seem to find it so wrong and uncomfortable to talk about? My group of friends and I only ever really talk about it after a bottle or two of vino, and even then they seem aghast that I – a 21-year-old female – do not own a vibrator. There are two reasons for this: the first is that I’m poor (note: student) and the second is my irrational fear that my parents are going to find it while looking for something in my room. Even worse though, what if they hear it? What if – somehow – they hear the vibrations through the walls of my vagina then through the cemented barriers of the ceiling above my bedroom? The sheer thought is wholly terrifying. My irrationality does not, of course, stop me from doing it all together: I, like most other women in their twenties masturbate, but not as frequently or vigorously as men seem to do.

A study from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behaviour, published in 2010 by Indiana University, found that only 43.7 per cent of women aged between 20 and 24 masturbated alone in the past month, as opposed to a surprising 62.8 per cent of males of the same age bracket and time period. And while you’re swallowing your last bite of creamy, sticky pasta for lunch or dinner, just know that 11.5 per cent of women aged over 70 have been flickin’ the bean in the past month, in contrast to 27.9 per cent of granddads of the same age bracket and time period. See; even your Nan engages in cunt cuddling when the mood strikes.

Human masturbation has evolved from something that was considered to cause such sufferings as blindness, insanity, mental retardation and epilepsy, as promoted in the 18th and 19th centuries by prominent physicians and (surprise, surprise) religious leaders – gee, thanks for ruining everything you fucking kill-joys. Extreme measures were undertaken from 1856 to 1932 in the U.S. to stop people from touching themselves: inventors came up with Medieval devices such as Sexual Armour: a stylish jacket with leather pants supporting a garish piece of steel armour, dotted with perforations to allow piss and the occasional shit. Or the Bowen Device: a small cup was placed over the head of the penis and crudely attached to the pubic hair by chains and clips, so if the wearer dared to get an erection, the public hair would be painfully yanked. Yikes. Of course such devices weren’t even considered for women back then, although I don’t see that as any inequality considering women who even thought about pleasuring themselves in the 18th and 19th centuries, probably would have hung themselves in shame.

Nowadays masturbation is considered to be a safe and healthy way to relieve sexual tension and to stop the average person from blacking out in rage and murdering…well…everyone. Despite our social acceptance of masturbation, women still have a hard time doing it let alone talking about it for reasons I can only speculate on. Let’s begin with the irrational fear that you will become addicted to it. After savouring the lingering feeling of your first, self-inflicted orgasm, you won’t be able to stop yourself from finger blasting at any given moment. This might make sense if you genuinely have an addictive personality and an abnormally strong sex drive, but you should know by now if you fall into that slot or not, and I would bet that most of you don’t. There is also the notion that what you are doing is dirty or slutty and I would lay the blame for that illogicality on your boring parents or a media that promotes female pleasure as promiscuous. I physically cringe every time I see an actress fake a whimpering or sometimes terrifying orgasm a la Black Swan – oh Natalie…how embarrassing for you.

There’s the idea that if you achieve orgasm through masturbation, then you won’t be able to come with your partner. Oh ye of little faith! Why don’t you try polishing the nugget with your partner? It’s an extremely intimate and sexy way to show your partner what gets you off, after all, he/she can only poke around there with guesswork until things gets awkwardly dry. On that note, there are some who believe they have a duty to save their libido for their partner, and to that I simply say: don’t be so fucking stupid. Female orgasm genuinely takes time and patience and the only way you’re going to be able to come is if you practise…so here are some quick tips:

  • Stock-standard for beginners: lie on your back or get in a comfortable position and simply explore yourself. Run your fingers over your breasts and nipples and stimulate your body by rubbing your vulva and clitoris in small circles. Relax.
  • Some women prefer to use toys, pillows, or to rhythmically press their thighs together to achieve orgasm. Whatever works.
  • For the alluring G-Spot orgasm this will take practise – especially if you’ve never had one before. There are various techniques you can use, but it’s more of a matter of getting to know your body. A lot of women prefer the use of plastic gadgets to get them off in this way, but if you don’t have one handy then allow yourself to relax, and with two or more fingers inside you gently feel the walls of your vagina, before subtly moving upwards towards your belly for direct G-Spot stimulation. This is 100 times easier with a toy (or even better – a penis!) but remember: practise makes perfect!

Keep in mind: the Internet is your friend! If you have no idea what you’re doing down there (ahem – this also applies to guys) then just look it up. Masturbation is safe, normal, and vital. It just…makes life better. Oops! I’ve managed to turn myself on. Be right back!

Sources:

http://www.the-clitoris.com/n_html/m_stats.htm

http://www.dribbleglass.com/subpages/euphemisms.htm

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/9318178.html

http://www.afraidtoask.com/masturbate/History.htm

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/masturbation-guide

http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/sex-intimacy/masturbation-how-to-masturbate/6-female-masturbation-secrets/

http://www.sexinfo101.com/kb_mastlad.shtml

1 Comment

Filed under Opinion Pieces.

One response to “My First Vibrator a.k.a. La Petite Mort

  1. Haha high 5! I recently bought a vibrator 2! But even having 1, i hardly use it because i don’t get the reward i’m suppose to get out of it

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s